The Emotional Cost of Speaking Out
I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been pissy, and I wanted to avoid long rambling bitch fests. But now that I’m calmer, I can explain.
This month, it became a requirement that starting in January 2013 all health insurers cover birth control without a co-pay. I think this is a wonderful thing. I think this is long overdue, and is still not good enough. Yesterday, New York City announced a new mandate, starting this school year, that sex education(namely STDs and how to use condoms) be taught in all NYC middle and high schools. I think this is a wonderful thing. I think this is long overdue, and is still not good enough.
Do you see what I did there? I got political. And it’s been causing problems for me lately as I have struggled to balance not wanting to offend my business clients who may not agree with my political views, and my mission of espousing sex-positive feminism- which is inherently political and the foundation for this business.
It started out not super political. I wrote a blog about Tyler posing provacatively for photos with women I don’t know, and I sought advice about if my anger over this was justified. Most people offered real advice, but one person commented on the post on my facebook page that (and paraphrasing because I don’t remember the exact quote) I should expect men to act like this because of my lifestyle as a flagrant pro-sex advocate. I deleted him.
Next, when I wrote a blog about Ryan Dunn and victim blaming, doznes of people sounded off about it, including one person who was a little too cavalier about rape victim blaming for my liking and kept posting inflammatory responses to other commenters who wrote replies. I deleted him.
Then, more recently, I posted a facebook comment about by frustration with being constantly sexually harassed by passing male motorists when I walk down the sidewalk. Again, most people made comments of shared frustration, but one person (again paraphrasing) said I shouldn’t be “bitter” and instead be grateful that I’m attractive enough to be catcalled do. After I corrected the sex-negative sexist tone (catcalling is about humiliating and dominating women, not complimenting, the objectification of women, etc), he got ruder and more fresh so… I deleted him. Then his girlfriend begins commenting angrily that the two of them had spend so much money at Feminique and I was wrong to delete a “loyal customer who believes in my mission”. My response: NO AMOUNT OF MONEY IS WORTH BEING DISRESPECTED.
But…. It all got me thinking because I internalize insults and confrontation dissent, and take it so personally. It literally keeps me up at night. Over the last incident, I was literally sititng at my desk at Feminique bawling my eyes out and calling Tyler at work crying “I can’t believe people would say that to me- and that I’m going to lose business over this!” Solutions I’ve thought of, none very appealing/feasible:
- Stop having opinions on divisive subjects. Just sell my little vibrators without opening my mouth about my two-cents on politics, religion, gender relations, and other things that piss people off.
Of course this is completely impractical. Have we met? Sit down and shut up about sexual injustice? Not going to happen.
- Have opinions, but stop writing about them on a website read exclusively by clients. So I’m pro-choice and pro-marriage equality. Does that preclude me from having meaningful client relationships with women who want to purchase vibrators or take a Fellatio 101 class who happen to oppose abortion or gay marriage?
I believe this is not practical either. I can and do have meaningful client relationships with people who don’t agree with my politics, but that’s because they choose to continue shopping knowing my opinions, but I’m not going to hold my tongue for fear that it will cost me the business of someone who disagrees. My mantra has always been, people can buy sex toys and lingerie many places. They buy them here because they value my expertise and passion for sex-positive sexuality. If someone doesn’t value it and their anger over my outspokeness is enough to make them shop somewhere else, they were never really my client to begin with, if that makes sense…
- Wrtite about whatever I want, knowing full well it will make some people who read it a. disagree b. say obnoxious, hurtful things c. stop spending their money at Feminique, and be ok with all three of these facts.
This is where I need to be, but how? I’m so damn sensitive it’s ridiculous. Someone looks at me crooked and I cry. What prompted this post was when I posted my last post about how I want a feminist wedding and what that would look like for me, one of my most loyal blog followers remarked that she was offended and unfriended me.
Tyler: You’ve been upset about this all day. You need to stop.
Me: I can’t help it. If my believers and followers get pissed and unfriend me on facebook, then what the hell?
Tyler: 100 people could agree with you, and 1 person disagrees and you get upset and go on and on about it all day. You need to not let it bother you. It’s just one person.
Me: Yeah no shit, but I don’t know how to not let it bother me, because, it bothers me.
Tyler: Well then you’re going to be bothered the rest of your life. You write a blog, you’re writing this book, the whole reality show thing…
Me: Well I don’t know if I want to publish the book anymore. I’m not sure if I want to keep putting myself out there like that- opening myself to ridicule and judgment. When you’re public people think they know you and make harsh remarks they would never ordinarily say to someone’s face. I couldn’t believe it when Amy Winehouse died and all anyone could say was about her drug addictions. I’m like, have a little compassion! You don’t know her, and who are you to judge her? And if she wasn’t famous, would you walk up to the family of someone who recently died after struggling with addiction and callously say, “Well, guess she should’ve gone to rehab”. I can’t stand it.
Tyler: You are publishing that book.
Me: I don’t know. I don’t’ think I can emotionally handle the fallout of negativity that will necessarily come with having the most intimate details of my life open for public fodder. And writing the blog too- it’s so isolating. I blog, and then I blog about blogging. And I blog about people in my life, who comment on the blog, and I blog about the comments about the people in my blog. It’s insanity and so isolating. Even my therapist reads the blog. The lines in my life are so blurred- everyone’s a part of the story and yet no one’s a part of the story. And the more notoriety I get, the worse it will be. What would happen if I were to be famous someday? What am I going to do- hide from the media because I’ll have a nervous breakdown when someone makes fun of me on TMZ?
Tyler: People are going to disagree with you. People are going to say shit about you, but you’re going to publish that book.
Me: But-
Tyler: You’veworked too hard. This story needs to be told. I will go behind your back and have it published myself if you don’t but this book will be published.
Me: I’m too sensitive. I don’t want people to say mean things. I can’t handle criticism.
Tyler: Well if people on your facebook have negative things to say, delete them.
Me: I tried that, but I’m already broke, I’m not really in a position to be infuriating the people who pay my salary.
Tyler: Well all these people, are they actually even buying anything anyway?
Some days in the life of a sexologist are full of insecurity. Some sexologists, like me, make a career out of being outrageous- describing graphic details of our own sex lives, publically supporting non-mainstream political views around sex and gender. We’re easy targets for mean-spiritedness. Sometimes, I couldn’t give a shit what people think. If I cared, how would I have the courage to write what I write? But other times, like now, I care too much. So how do I respond? I poked around other sexologists’ blogs/facebook pages and found these warnings:
You will often find on this page that I will comment on sexual politics, American sexual values and recent sexual news stories on this page. My blog is new, so, please feel comment and let me know your thoughts, although, remember, I respond best to feedback when approached nicely. You get more kitties with milk than water (even though kitties really shouldn’t drink milk). If I believe your comment has been submitted just to be hurtful, I will not choose to approve it. So make sure it’s relevant and respectful (even if you disagree with me). All in all, let’s play nice with one another and everyone will have a fantastic time.”
So I think this is the route I will take.
1. I will continue blogging about things that are important to me.
2. I will delete any comments/friends that are offensive/rude/sexist/insensitive to sexual violence.
3. I will not feel bad about this, even if that person spent oodles of money at Feminique, because I don’t deserve to be disrespected just because I’m a sexologist/write a blog.
Hope everyone likes my new rules! (And thanks fellow sexologist friends for the ideas)
Sorry this was ridiculously long- I haven’t written in two weeks and had a lot on my mind.
Contact sexologist Jill McDevitt:
