A Feminist Wedding
Yesterday I attended only my third wedding ever. As someone who absolutely adores free booze, dancing to Motown and Doo Wop, and having an excuse to wear a pretty dress, I lament the fact that I, unlike most people my age who seem to have half a dozen weddings to attend every summer, have largely been missing out on this wonderful experience.
At this wedding, I learned two things:
- I kick ass at the Limbo
- I have serious hang-ups about marriage.
All in one night I went from being swept up in the romance, and love, and getting to spend a whole lifetime with a special someone, to vowing to never marry, writing the concept of marriage off as a passé sham that just perpetuates oppression. I also felt extreme emotions about reproduction. Seeing the generations of families share in this joy, hearing them share stories during their toast of watching a little girl grow into a married women- it makes me want to have children. But then… there were kids screaming and I changed my mind back to remaining voluntarily child-free forever.
The reception was a super great time, but I was a bit surprised by the tradition of the ceremony, which had my mind hopping all over the place even more. They did the “honor and obey” vow, and were introduced after the kiss as “Mr. and Mrs. His First Name His Last Name”.
Not that I’ll be getting married any time soon, if ever, but I’ve had it all planned out for years. Not the “oh the colors will be pastel blue and daisy yellow” planned out, I mean the philosophy of the wedding- an egalitarian, feminist wedding. I regaled Tyler’s friends at our table on what my wedding will look like:
- No one will promise to obey anyone.
- No one is changing their name. My marriage will be about adding to each other’s lives, not losing an identity.
- None of the women who support me, love me, and help me through the wedding planning process will be called a “maid” of any kind. “Woman of Honor”- yes. “Maid of Honor”- absolutely not. And to really break with tradition, I might have a “Man of Honor” since my best friend is a male.
- I will not be advertising my virginity so that I may increase my sale value to my husband. Thus, no white dress and no veil, especially one that covers my face and is lifted at the altar to reveal my sexual purity. Not only is it unbelievably offensive, but it’s also a charade because believe it or not- I’m not a virgin!
- There will be no “giving away”. My father does not own me and never has. My husband and I will walk down the aisle by ourselves, as the independent, self-sufficient grown-ups that we are.
- Either both parties will wear wedding AND engagement rings or both parties will wear neither. I’m not wearing a ring to symbolize “I’m spoken for” without my partner doing the same- even during the engagement period.
- Flowers are beautiful and will be used as decoration at my wedding, but I will not carry a bouquet, which at a wedding symbolizes fertility- something I want no parts of.
- There will be no bouquet toss, not only because there will be no bouquet (see above) but because it is rooted in the idea that being married is something all women should aspire to, and to humiliate single women by drawing attention to them and having them fight for the dream of being next to be married. And don’t even get me started on the garter toss!
- “You may now kiss each other” to replace the male superior “you may now kiss the bride” which is symbolic of his “right” to have sexual encounters with me now that we’re married.
- If gay marriage is still not legal in the state of Pennsylvania by the time I’m married, I’m going to incorporate that somehow, but don’t know how yet. Maybe printed in the program, maybe an announcement of some kind… but there will be attention drawn to the inequality that I can marry, and some of our fellow citizens can not.
And then there is the part of me that says… well… I want a big white princess dress and I want someone to get on their knee and propose to me even though it’s completely patriarchal. Is it ok to do something for the sake of tradition, so long as you do so fully knowing exactly what it symbolizes? Or does that make it worse?
When I told Tyler about the no bouquet/garter toss:
Tyler: But it’s fun.
Me: Is it really that fun? What’s so fun about throwing flowers?
Tyler: I guess you’re right. It’s not really that fun. I just thought it was fun because it’s something “normal”.
Me: Exactly the point. People do things for the sake of “tradition” even though it’s not even really that great and it perpetuates these oppressive norms.
Since I’ve developed my egalitarian, feminist wedding manifesto, whenever it comes up in conversation, Tyler challenges other wedding norms and speculates about the patriarchal meaning behind things like the garter, the dress train, and flower girl.
But even though Tyler is really on board with a feminist wedding, and is even referring to this hypothetical wedding with “we”, and “our wedding” while I’ve been careful to say “me and my future husband” and “my wedding”, I don’t know if we’ll ever get married. We talked about a feeling (or not) of obligation to “forever” if one can no longer physically have sex, is in a coma, paraplegic, have various mental illnesses and disturbances like severe depression, schizophrenia, Alzheimer’s, etc. Would you stay? I don’t know if either of us would. “I promise to love and care for you until it is no longer mutually beneficial” seems like a more realistic wedding vow, but then, what’s the point?
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