What’s a Sex Slip N’ Slide?
I thought I’d try to start writing a daily update on the life of this sexologist, rather than a once weekly manifesto.
Here goes.
Yesterday I woke up late because I was sick so I didn’t get to work on my book. Not good seeing how I have only 28 days left to finish it. I did manage to get to my dentist appointment.
Dentist: You’re an actress, right?
Me: Sorta, I’m a sexologist.
Dentist: A what?
Me: Sexologist.
Dentist: And that is…
Me: I own a sex shop and I travel around doing workshops about sex, and I write a blog about the funny things that happen to me, like when I get crazy looks when I tell people I’m a sexologist.
I love my dentist. Nice guy.
Then I got my hair cut, which I always find to be an awkward experience. I know hairstylists are supposed to be like therapists who women gossip with while they get their hair did, but I don’t think any hairstylist could handle what I need in therapy, and I’m not one for small talk so I sit there quietly. Until… she goes to the classic American default conversation starter… “so, what do you do?”. Here we go…
I opened up Feminique and while I’m writing the sex fact of the day. I have the following conversation with a douche bag walking past.
Douche Bag: Want me to show you why they legalized it?
Me: Um, no, and you can keep walking.
Douche Bag: HAHA I just had to say it.
Me: You just “had to” sexually harass people you see on the street?
Douche Bag: It’s not sexual harassment
Me: How about I have no interest in seeing or hearing about YOUR DICK! And if you could continue walking that would be FANTASTIC!
What annoys me most is that when these douche bags say these types of things, they just think they are so stinking clever when in actuality they are so incredibly lame. I feel embarrassed for them.
Once the sign was out, I started my work day by crossing some boring items off the to-do list: transcribing an interview for a qualitative research study on the sex lives of graduate students, throwing away outdated sex toy catalogues, making some contacts with colleges on booking sexuality workshops for the fall. I love that my ho-hum “boring” to-do items are so fun!
Then I conversed with some clients. I sold a woman her first vibrator. I was paid a visit from a flient (that’s short for “friend client”- a person who I met because they were a client of Feminique, purchasing products and/or hosting parties, but whom over the course of speaking with them at work, we developed a friendship). And while flients and first-time vibe buyers are some of my favorite types of client exchanges, spontaneous sexual-political conversations with strangers I love the best.
It’s like, I have no idea who you are or what you’re about, but because we’re both standing in a feminist sex shop, there is this special unspoken permission to assume we are both angry about sexual injustice and in a manner totally inappropriate in any other social setting, people will often get on their soapbox while I nod in agreement. I love it.
Woman: I remembered when you first opened. I read about it in the newspaper and I thought “this fucking town”.
Me: haha
Woman: My partner and I came by for the sole reason of showing that there were people supporting you all the way.
Me: Well thank you so much. I appreciate that because when all you hear is the negatives, it’s easy to get bogged down.
Woman: Don’t I know it.
Me: And it’s nice to know that people are on your side.
Now there is camaraderie established, and the flood gates open.
Woman: Did you hear about that Bachman…
Me: YES! Outrageous!
Woman: … and that she signed that…
Me: I know! Did you hear about her husband?
Woman: No, and I don’t know if I can handle more.
Me: He’s a “therapist” and he owns a Christian counseling center where is tries to turn homosexual people hetero by “praying away the gay”.
Shared values are established, so then there is disclosure.
Woman: I’m a lesbian, and I have a lot of straight friends. And some of them say “gay rights have come a long way and you should be happy”.
Me: They’ve come a long way but it’s not good enough! There is still so much inequality.
Woman: I tell them “walk a mile in my shoes”. You have no idea.
Me: Well you always have a friend, and ally, here.
And there you have it. The process of how I manage to engage is random sexual-political chats with strangers.
Other cool people include the hostess for my party tonight. She called yesterday to give directions and tell me that although she booked the party before I raised my rates, she wants to pay me the higher amount anyway. How sweet! Also, two men walking down the street. Love a scenario that starts with that…. On the other side of the sign, I have advertised new products including what I call “the sex slip n’ slide”.
Male #1: (overheard from inside) What’s a sex slip n’ slide?”
Me: (going to door) Come on in and I’ll show you!
This is my life. Shouting down the street to strangers that they should come check out my sex slip n’ slide. They come in and check it out, as well as the back room, and within a few minutes they come out holding the penis pump.
Male #1: Does this work?
Me: Depends on what you mean by work. Will it make it bigger: No. Will it feel like a blowjob? Yes.
Male #1: Oh shit.
Male #2: Don’t you give blowjob lessons?
Me: I do.
Male #2: We should get that for our wives. Do you have a card?
Male #1: (reading brochure) Oh you use carrots? You’ll need to have her practice on a baby carrot. It’s true. I pee on my balls it’s so small.
Me: haha
And after they departed with my brochures and business card in hand, a woman who was shopping, pretending to read the labels while listening to that conversation turns around.
Shopper: That was… special. Is this every day for you?
Me: Everyday. But usually they claim their wives will need to practice on cucumbers or tree trunks, not baby carrots. Self-deprecating humor is refreshing.
I left at 8:25pm after waiting around for my private consultation, who was a no-show. Good thing it was prepaid. Tyler and I got water ice, and then I had a phone conference until 11:30 with my group project for school.
Maybe it was the heat or his being tired, but Tyler wanted no parts of kissing or cuddling. So I got out Old Faithful and had 6 orgasms. It’s no 51 but I’ll take it. Went to sleep around 1am.
I think I shall title each post with a quote from my day, and conclude with a reminder that while being a sexologist is something I love and am passionate about, it’s a daily struggle to actually make a living doing it. So on a scale I created from “abysmal” to “if it was like this everyday, I could retire at 40”, I will share how sales were on this day in the life of a sexologist. Yesterday, sales were “terrible”. But at least I had 6 orgasms and 13 hours of talking to awesome people about sex!
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