A Day in the Life of a Loveologist
After working an obscene number of hours per week over the past few weeks, I decided to take a much needed day off. In the world of being self-employed and a sexoholic, “a day off” means going to the post office to mail online orders, crunch some numbers and tweak the 2011 corporate budget, respond to client emails, and work on organizing the History of the Vibrator college tour, which will be taking place this fall with dozens of colleges from Massachusetts to Delaware. It’s like being a rock star, roadie, and promoter all in one- except with sex. And then I’m teaching Sexual Confidence 101 tonight followed by a 10:30 phone meeting with a classmate so we can get started on our group project on hegemonic masculinity. If this is off, what’s working again?
When you sacrifice this much time and life and thought and emotion into something so you can be the best, most professional and effective person you can be in your given career path, it will make YOUR EYEBALLS BLEED when posers come along and steal the glory. How I feel right now is probably how a Julliard trained musician feels when Britney Spears calls herself an “artist” or how a world class Tuscan culinary artist feels about the guy who runs Mario’s calling his mall pizza joint “authentic Italian”. It just makes me cringe. Here’s the story:
The first blow came in my email. I’m signed up to receive a newsletter from an organization that connects experts in unique fields to small time radio stations looking for guests. Promotions come across my inbox from sci fi writers looking to promote their book on the air and AM stations in rural Alabama looking for an expert on lactation, etc. Every once in awhile someone is looking for someone knowledgeable about sex and relationships to be a call-in guest, so I keep an eye open for the e-newsletter.
When I got the email announcing in the subject line the availability of a “sex expert” I was intrigued to see who it was. I know most true sex experts because it’s a tiny field with only one accredited degree granting institution- Widener University, where I am currently a Ph.D. student. But alas, it was not a true sex expert, or sexologist. She was a “loveologist” offering her “expertise” on the radio. What in tarnation is a loveologist, you may ask? I ASKED THE SAME QUESTION!
Here’s the email I received:
Sex Expert Jane Doe is an expert in love, relationships, romance, intimacy and sex.
Jane Doe Guest Expert Interview Credentials:
* She completed the Master Sexpert curriculum from Loveology University
* She completed the Love Coach/Loveologist curriculum from Loveology University
Nikki Leigh has lived these experiences personally, so she is very familiar with both sides of what she coaches people about.
Here’s the link for “Loveology University”, which I love has a ® after it:
http://www.loveologyuniversity.com/CourseDetails.aspx?CourseID=22
Basically it’s a website that offers a series of online video seminars about sex toys, the g-spot, foreplay, etc. for $2,000 to sex toy party representatives so they can put on their business card that they are “certified lovelogists” or “master sexperts” or “a love coach”.
I have a love/hate relationship with this. First of all, I should have thought of this. I teach about sex toys, the g-spot, and foreplay. I should have recorded my classes, charged people $2,000 to watch the video on my website, and told them they’ll be a “certified loveologist” after they watch them all. Sheesh I’d be rich.
If salespeople with absolutely no background in human sexuality are going into women’s living rooms and selling them sex toys and being asked sex questions, it’s good that they went through this training program. I like women to be educated, especially if they are seen as a resource on sexuality by other women. I’m all for people watching the videos and being better able to meet the needs of their clients. However, granting titles like this makes it sound way more legitimate than it is, or makes what I do sound less legitimate, or both. Call me snobby or elitist, but after spending $100,000 and 10 years in real sex school, the thought of someone watching some videos online and putting a title on their business card that the average person booking a sex toy party won’t know is any different than mine makes me CRAZY!
I’ve asked this before and I’ll ask again- what is the point of all this work when no one seems to care? I have seriously been debating if I should drop out of my program becasue a bachelorette party could give a damn if I’m a Ph.D sexologist or a certified loveologist. I think sexologist and the like should be a legally protected title, like “therapist” or “doctor”. What do you think?
The second blow came when I called the shop to check in with my employee (because remember, I’m “off” today). She told me that the owner of another sex shop came in and criticized our toy selection because some of them are “jelly” and thus harmful. And I am just pissed and see this as a huge affront because I DO NOT sell harmful toys.
I think its fine and good that women are trying to open more female-friendly sex shops, sell higher quality products, and offer educational workshops. Good for her. But if you’re going to do that, I have a few suggestions.
- If you’re going to blatantly walk into your competitor’s store to scope them out, don’t openly criticize them. It’s just rude.
- If you’re going to walk into your competitor’s store and openly criticize them, do so accurately. The toy in question is a jelly-like consistency, however it’s not the “jelly” that makes toys harmful, it’s the plastic softening chemical called phthalates, and you can have a toy with a jelly-like feel that is not softened with phthalates. Phthalates are used to soften PVC plastics. This toy is made of TPR, or Thermoplastic Rubber, which is naturally bendy and jelly-like. I wrote a thesis for my human sexuality master’s degree on the chemical make-up of sex toys but you know, what the hell do I know?
I’m debating if I should email this woman saying I don’t appreciate her approaching my employee like that (and then saying, “oh by the way, you’re wrong”) because she was classy enough to leave her card after this little transaction, or just leave my bitching to the blog. Thoughts? To her credit though, she doesn’t claim to be a “loveologist’. Just a “businesswoman”.
I give up. I think I’m going to watch Homeward Bound and Marley and Me so I can become an expert on dogs. I’ll then call myself a doggologist, and open a pet store and teach workshops on proper care of dogs. Then I’ll go into a veterinary hospital and tell the doctor that the medicine they’re using to treat sick dogs is no good. Oh, you went to school for 8 years to study animal science and veterinary medicine? Fuck you ‘cause I’m a doggologist!
I just proofread this and apologize that it comes off as so snotty. This type of thing always irked me but I never realized until now how sensitive I am about being respected and taken seriously. Blogging is always the interesting self-reflection process… always learning new things about myself.
