Joe Paterno: Because Somebody Had to Say It
TRIGGER WARNING:
This is a long, angry and emotionally charged post containing graphic content regarding rape, sexual violence, and abuse of children.
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I’ve been stewing about writing this post for awhile now. I’ve debated about if I wanted to say it. And how I would say it. I’ve given it a lot of contemplation and thought.
I’m disgusted with Joe Paterno and much of the Penn State community.
There. I said it.
There are other interesting things I wanted to blog about in the almost 4 weeks since Paterno’s death- My Playboy situation, my web-based reality show, how I broke my orgasm record, my first book signing in NYC, Ryan Tyler’s uber wonderful Valentine’s gift to me, as well as frustrated sexology things in the news like the Susan G Komen/Planned Parenthood shit show, the state sanctioned rape/forced transvaginal ultrasound shit show, the marriage equality in Washington state is offensive to religion shit show of a conversation I had with Pat, the Plan B vending machine/birth control/Catholic Church shit show, the women in the military should expect to get raped according to Fox News shit show, the Chris Brown can put his girlfriend in the hospital and still win a Grammy shit show… and so on. If you haven’t been paying attention, the past few weeks have been dominated by fiercely argued female sexuality related headlines.
These are topics I would ordinarily love to sink my teeth into on my blog. But I haven’t. And that’s because I made myself a promise. I promised myself that I would not blog until I said my piece on Joe Paterno publically. And it has taken me so long because 1. I knew writing it would upset me 2. I knew the inevitable backlash would upset me, causing me to procrastinate.
The backlash, I suppose, is #1 in a long list of reasons that I am so distraught about the Penn State child anal rape story. Let’s enumerate:
1. When I first learned that there was a scandal on Penn State’s campus regarding the raping of children, and then I heard on my local news that thousands of students were protesting and flipping over news trucks and lampposts, I was initially pleased with the response because I thought the students were protesting the fact that children were being raped on their campus. I thought it was wonderful that they would have so much pride in their school, that they would be outraged that some scumbags would jeopardize their reputation by doing such horrible acts at their school. Of course I then learned that they were not angry about the rapes, they were in fact angry that a football coach was fired for failing to properly report the rapes, a beloved football coach who they felt should keep his job despite failing to properly report that children were being anally raped in the football locker room. So needless to say, my delight turned to dismay upon learning of the true nature of their protest. Although apparently it is not needless to say because of the following formula, which I am REALLY struggling to understand:
a. Children are raped in the anus in a locker room.
b. Grown Up knows about it.
c. Grown Up fails to report it, and Children continue to be raped in the anus.
d. When Employer finds out about a, b, and c, Grown Up is fired.
… and here’s where I get confused…
e. Community riots in protest, demanding Grown Up keep his job.
… and here’s where I really lose all ability to find an understanding…
f. When one points out that a, b, c, and e are HORRIBLY wrong and immoral, Community responds with anger for daring to criticize Grown Up.
Can someone help me out with that? Am I missing something? In response, I’ve heard “he made one mistake, but he was an otherwise wonderful and inspirational person” (I’ll address that in #3), or “he wasn’t the one who did the raping. He reported it the best he knew how, to his boss. It’s not his fault his boss then dropped the ball” (I’ll address that in #4).
But for now, I’d like to continue to address the idea that there could be backlash about criticizing an adult for failing to help a child in need. It reminds me of a quote from my book, and how I felt about the response to the systematic raping of children in the Catholic Church:
“Some of these people are so programmed to be loyal to the so-called moral ideologies of the religion that when the religion takes part in one of the most patently immoral things possible, they ignore it and make excuses for it, and continue to donate money, and unbelievably, get mad at outsiders for daring to criticize it. “
Most, not all, but most of the folks I’ve heard, in person, on TV, and especially on my facebook newsfeed, defending Paterno and creating a backlash against those who criticize Paterno have been Penn State alum. It’s the same blind allegiance that I mentioned about the Catholic Church. And I really struggle with this. It’s my friends. Close friends. It’s even feminist sexual rights advocates who I admired and whose blog I followed. People I otherwise care about and respect, are Penn State alum and defending Joe Paterno.
When in passing I mentioned how horrible I thought the raping of children at Penn State was, I was once met with “you know I’m a Penn State alum, right?”, like this fact precludes one from being able to condemn the horrors that happened there. It’s like someone saying, “isn’t that awful about the Kensington Strangler? Isn’t it such bullshit that rapists and killers prey on sex workers?” and me responding with, “You know I’m from Philadelphia, right?” Like how dare one criticize something bad about where I’m from, even if all sane people agree it’s a patently horrible ugly thing worthy of criticism?
If your loyalty to your sports team/alma mater/hometown/religion supersedes your ability to condemn children being raped in the anus and having adults do nothing to stop it, you are officially brainwashed.
I’m being harsh, but I do understand the psychology behind it. When stewing on this topic for the past few weeks, I looked inside myself to see if I’ve ever let my loyalties supersede my ability to see right and wrong as it relates to rape and sexual violence. I was horrified to reflect and discover that I have been guilty of this. As a Democrat, I was far less critical of Al Gore’s sexual assault accusations than I was about Herman Cain’s, and because I supported the movement, I was not as vocal about the rapes during the Occupy protests as I normally would be. But that ends today. I called myself out and will never again be silent about rape because it’s not politically or otherwise convenient. I encourage you to call yourself out also, especially those who changed their facebook profile photo to Joe Paterno’s face. That’s just creepy and warrants some serious soul searching and internal inspection.
So in sum, my #1 beef is that not only did children get raped in the anus, and not only did no one stop it, but that there is BACKLASH about criticizing it all. Disgusting.
This is where the bulk of the graphic discussion happens, so another trigger alert. Seriously, it’s extremely horrible what I’m about to describe so please take care of yourself and scroll down past the line if you need to skip this section:
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2. I am taking issue to the way that this horrendous situation has been described, the words that have been used to talk about it. This is reason #2 I’m distraught. You may have noticed that I have referred to it as “children being raped in the anus” throughout this post. I use that phrase because that is what is alleged to have happened.
What the anal rape of children IS:
Heinous
Hideous
Gruesome
Brutal
A crime
A violent physical assault
Painful
Anal tearing
Bleeding
Fear
Bent over naked humiliation
Semen in your anus
Grunting and slapping noises
Guilt and shame
Being bullied at school after people find out (yes, this happened to one of the victims)
Discomfort being touched and loved
Self-loathing
Anger
Potential infection of HIV or other STIs
Distrust of adults
Distrust of men
Distrust in humanity
Depression
Anxiety
Difficulty enjoying sexual intimacy as an adult.
What failure to properly report anal rape of children IS:
Pride
Cronyism
Dereliction of adult/human responsibility
Patriarchy
Fear
Ignorance
Discomfort with discussion of “sex”
Lazy
Cowardice
Heartless
Greed
Selfish interest in reputation over safety of children
What anal rape of children and failure to properly report it IS NOT:
A SEX SCANDAL
Let me repeat.
When children are being anally raped, adults know, and they fail to report it, it is NOT A SEX SCANDAL.
A sex scandal is when the president is getting a blowjob from his 22 year old intern. A sex scandal is when an anti-gay politician is caught soliciting sex from a man. A sex scandal is when adults do consenting sexual things with other adults in a way that elicits gossip and water cooler “did you hear…” To describe what happened at Penn State as a sex scandal implies equal culpability. Instead, a word or phrase from list 1 should be coupled with a word or phrase from list 2. Here’s an example of how headlines SHOULD read: “Penn State football coach’s cowardice and selfish interest in reputation over safety of children leaves dozens of boys the victims of a gruesome crime”.
Sex Scandal? Grrr.
And another issue I have with the language used to talk about it is the euphemisms. I want to be careful not to downplay the horror of sexual assault and unwanted fondling, but in this case like so many public news cases, people use “sexual assault”, “sexual abuse”, “molestation”, “fondling”, even “horsing around” (GAH!!!) when what they really mean is RAPED IN THE ANUS, and they’re just uncomfortable saying it. I think it’s really important to note, as I’ve done dozens of times by now, what actually happened. It was serious. It was not a slap on the bum that could be misconstrued. It wasn’t showing the kids some nudie mags. It was adult erect penis in child anus. I think using euphemistic language like “Penn State Sex Scandal” or “Abuse of children at Penn State” is not painting the entire picture, and probably part of the reason otherwise sane normal people are defending Paterno (see #1) because without being reminded of what actually happened they’re able to ignore it and instead focus on the politics of it… and the football.
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3. As promised, I’m going to address the premise that Joe Paterno was really a “good person” who just made one mistake. He donated tons of money to Penn State. He had led the football team to some sort of record breaking wins or other. He was an upstanding guy. A nice guy. An inspirational guy. Perhaps that is all true.
And it leads me to a line of thinking I’ve given a lot of thought to lately. When no one is 100% good, and no one is 100% bad, how is it determined if one is a “good person” or a “bad person”?
I think of that terrible story in Connecticut where two men broke into a home, sexually tortured a mother and her two young daughters, and then burned them alive by lighting their house on fire. Horrible horrible people. But before the one man left to go on this rape/murder spree, he tucked his child into bed. Maybe he kissed his child. Smiled. Read a story. Made his child feel loved and important. My point is he did a decidedly good thing moments before he did an evil thing. Do we decide someone is a “bad person” because they do one BIG terrible thing, like the man I just spoke of, even if they’ve done lots of small everyday good things. And vice versa. Is someone a “good person” because they do one BIG generous act, like say someone jumped in front of a bullet to save a stranger’s life, even if they’ve done lots of small everyday bad things, like they were liars and backstabbers to their friends and rumor starters. Or is “good” and “bad” as a final determination more an overall calculation? Like, if 70% of your actions were good and 30% bad, then you were a “good person”. Is it based in behaviors or based in thoughts? What if someone lived a life of charity and virtue, but on the inside was smiling and enjoying hearing about people being hurt. Or what if someone actually hurt people, but on the inside hated that they did and felt overwhelming remorse?
I don’t have an answer. Maybe Joe Paterno made you feel loved and important. Maybe he was 70/30 good/bad. Maybe he was 99/1 good/bad, and that 1% bad just happened to be a BIG whopper of a bad. Someone likened Joe Paterno to a protagonist in a Greek tragedy, with maybe his pride or ignorance prompting his fall from grace. I just feel like while he may be a “good person” based on any of the above configurations of “good”, I think it can not be argued that he did do a really really BIG bad thing and it is no one’s fault but his own that whatever goodness he had will be obscured by this stain. Hence, the Greek tragedy… And maybe it sucks for Joe Paterno that 85 years of goodness will be overshadowed by one bad deed, but personally I think it sucks worse for the children who were raped in the anus because he kept his mouth shut, so tough shit. Deal with it.
4. Also as promised, I’m going to address the premise that “Joe Paterno wasn’t the one who did the raping.” (This is true. Jerry Sandusky is the accused.) It’s also been argued that Paterno was only one among several who knew and did nothing, but has gotten all the public tongue lashings while the others have largely been glossed over. Why aren’t Tim Curly, Gary Schultz, or Mike McQueary getting the same heat, when they also knew children were being anally raped and also failed to properly report it? On this point I’m willing to make a concession. But not that Joe Paterno should get less criticism, but rather that the others should get more! EVERYONE who knew, not just the most famous, should be up for serious scrutiny.
As for the argument that Paterno wasn’t at fault because he did the best he could, or that he fulfilled his duty by reporting it to his boss, I’m calling bullshit on that one. Bullshit I say. If that fulfilled his legal obligation, than the laws need to be changed, because there is no way that fulfilled his moral obligation as a member of the human race. How do you know about a child being raped in the anus (or as some have argued he didn’t know the specifics, so I’ll rephrase to how do you know about “something of asexual nature with a child”) and not go to the ends of the earth to make sure it stops? I don’t care what the legal obligations are, if you sit idly by you have FAILED.
If someone you knew well and worked with told you they saw a child being abused, what would you do? What if it was a stranger? What if they came up to you and said “I just saw a kid being sexually abused in the parking lot over there, and I don’t know what to do”, how would you respond? Would you say, well, I didn’t see it myself so, oh well? Would you say, I’m just a guy carrying my groceries to my car when some stranger tells me about a kid being molested in the parking lot, what am I supposed to do about it? Or would you say, I didn’t ask for this, I don’t like that this has been put on my shoulders, but now that I know it is my responsibility to follow up”. I sure hope it’s the last one. Because that’s what is right, and that’s what is just, and that’s what you would want someone to do if your kid was being raped in a parking lot.
I was enjoying time in my personal life recently when a message bombarded my inbox- someone reported to me that they inadvertently discovered child pornography online. I thought:
- Why is my dinner being interrupted by this horror?
- Why can’t this person report it themselves, why do I have to be involved?
- I’m not working right now, and even if I was, this is not my job.
- Shit, I don’t know what to do. What’s the protocol for reporting child pornography, especially when I wasn’t even the one who saw it?
Despite this, do you know what I did? I followed up, learned what the website was, researched who has jurisdiction in such cases and the best way to report it to the correct authorities, and filed a report with the FBI. It took work. It took time. It made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t my job or my legal responsibility. But I did it because no matter how shitty it was for me that the knowledge of the abuse of children crossed my path, the fact that such knowledge did cross my path makes it my OBLIGATION to ENSURE that the correct authorities know about it. To do any less than what I did would have made me culpable in the sexual exploitation of those children.
I don’t care if you’re 85. If you’re from the old school. If you’re uncomfortable. If you don’t know what to do. If you’ve never heard of raping boys before. If the accused is someone you’ve known for 30 years. If you’re not a sexologist and haven’t made this your cause. I don’t care. If you know about children being hurt, abused, raped, fondled, whatever YOU. MUST. REPORT. IT. TO. POLICE. IMMEDIATELY. There are NO excuses for doing otherwise. It was Joe Paterno’s fault. He didn’t report it to police. He didn’t follow up with his boss to make sure they reported it to police. And as a result of his failure, 10 more years of anally raping children was able to continue. There is NO excuse.
So… in conclusion I’m pissed. I’m pissed the rapes happened. I’m pissed grown men didn’t nothing to help when they had endless resources at their disposal to be helpful. I’m really pissed the Penn State community has martyred those who could accurately be described as accessories to child rape. And I’m really REALLY pissed that confronting Penn State loyalty creates backlash. I’m pissed the severity of the rapes have been downplayed by euphemistic language. I’m pissed that people have made excuses, saying what was done to help the victims was good enough. And despite being so pissed, I kept my thoughts largely to myself, especially in my professional life. I didn’t feel like fighting with my Penn State alum friends and colleagues. I didn’t want to anger and turn away my Penn State alum clients and customers. I don’t get paid to blog, and my bread and butter is through the sale of products and workshops. I figured I would just shut my mouth about my disgust with Joe Paterno and not cost myself business or sales.
But then… my conscience got the better of me. I reminded myself of my new rule that I would never again choose to not speak out against sexual violence if I was inclined just because it would be politically or otherwise inconvenient. The fact that I live in Pennsylvania and so many of the people who support my business financially and other wise are associated with Penn State is extremely inconvenient. It puts me in the position of having something to lose by writing what has become a 9 page essay harshly criticizing a Penn State hero. And yet, it has to be said. Of all that has been written about the anal raping of children at Penn State, I saw only two dissents. There was one line in an essay by Eve Ensler, and one full narrative written by a survivor of childhood rape speaking on behalf of the victims. That’s it. I then decided that somebody had to say it, and why not me?
So there. I said it.
Contact sexologist Jill McDevitt:
