Failure
People will often ask how I’ve done it. How do you start a company at 21 while also being a graduate student and publishing a book? I give half-assed responses like “Oh, just a lot of hard work”. I don’t want to give the real answer because I would never wish anyone else to follow in my unhealthy footsteps. The real answer is “Because I’m obscenely competitive, neurotically over-achieving, and obsessively perfectionistic”. It’s not a good combination.
These qualities lead me to be SO petrified of failure that I run myself ragged. And yesterday, I was in absolute hysterics all day because two things happened that I perceived as me failing in some way and I could NOT handle it.
1.) The book. I knew that putting myself out there in any way, even if I wrote some science fiction novel or something, would open me up to criticism. I had fears of people going on Amazon and writing “The secondary characters start out as helpful symbols of blah blah blah, but on page 27 blah blah blah” and crap like that. It’s bad enough to create a piece of art and have people not like it. But writing a memoir- about all the most embarrassing, emotionally vulnerable things one could possibly write about- sexual insecurity, suicide attempts, emotional weakness, religion, sex, politics- it’s all in there and up for public speculation and ridicule. That’s REALLY putting yourself out there. I was very nervous about the reception and the book being a failure.
But… so far tons of wonderful responses. So I was thrilled! People who only know me professionally and are removed from the actual content so far seem to be really impressed with it. This makes me very happy! My family, friends, and other characters in my book and life… less than impressed.
So it has been nothing but drama of people being displeased about the way I portray them, while others are upset about things like that they were only mentioned 3 times and so-and-so was mentioned 12 times, and all these hurt feelings. I’m extremely upset about this. On one hand, I do not want to hurt the people I care about. I want them to know how much I love them and appreciate their support of my career and in life. After I finished writing the book, I even tried to go back and add more lines for some people, but my publisher cut them out again and said, “This isn’t a tribute, it’s a memoir. It’s not a story about them, it’s about you, and you use them and write about them to further the plot for the reader. This sentence makes no sense to the story other than to stroke their ego when they read it, so it’s cut.” Seeing how people who aren’t actually in the book really love it, I know she was right as far as literary composition is concerned. But that hasn’t helped smooth things over in my personal life.
I feel really bad and guilty and it’s just a big mess. I now know why people usually don’t publish their memoirs until their 80 year old and everyone they write about is dead. I wanted people, ESPECIALLY my loved ones to be proud of what I’ve done. That I’ve upset so many people makes me feel like I failed.
2.) School. I haven’t talked about this much because it makes me want to vomit. But I can no longer ignore that in two days, I am taking my doctoral comprehensive exam to determine if I will be able to earn my Ph.D. I will not pass it. I will not. It’s fact. I am so unprepared because
a. I’ve been too busy publishing a book to study. I feel like this life experience should count as college credit- my school disagrees.
b. I’ve become more and more disinterested in school. Doctoral degrees are supposed to help advance a career- this has been hurting mine. I constantly have to pass up on paying sexuality workshop gigs because I have class, or homework, and now this exam, which I passed up on 4 workshops for. It’s backwards. If people are already interested in me as sex educator, why turn down their money so I can instead go spend $50,000 more on some letters behind my name?
c. I’ve been resistant to studying even during the miniscule pockets of time I could have studied because I’m angry at the test format. I find it ironic that during my masters and doctoral coursework (which are education degrees, mind you) I was taught in non-rote memorization ways (reflective conversations, skits, group discussions, and other fluffy stuff like that) and was taught to teach in similar ways. Now after four years, it all boils down to one make-or-break test on one day of rote memorization ivory tower bullshit? It’s the opposite of everything I’ve been taught how to teach and I’m out of practice on being evaluated in that way. I haven’t taken a single exam in this ENTIRE program! Why now??
I was going to skip it- and take it next semester- if at all and if I don’t drop out. I don’t care. I don’t have the money. I don’t want to go. And I’m FREAKING out because either way, I feel like I’ve failed. Either I take the test and keep pushing for this degree, KNOWING I’ll fail this test. Or… drop out, and be the failure who couldn’t complete their doctorate. Fuck me.
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