“Progressive” Sex Ed is Actually Still Conservative and Awful

An article posted on ThinkProgress explains a new Illinois law that would ban abstinence only education in school, saying ” Illinois’ current law requires sex ed classes to emphasize abstinence as “the expected norm,” and stipulates that “course material and instruction shall stress that pupils should abstain from sexual intercourse until they are ready for marriage.” Public schools can choose between teaching abstinence-only education, using a mix of stressing abstinence while providing comprehensive information about birth control and condoms, or simply declining to provide any sex ed instruction. Under HB 2675, schools won’t be able to choose the abstinence-only option anymore — they’ll need to either offer comprehensive information about prevention methods, or decide not to offer any sex ed courses whatsoever.”

And progressives are happy about this? The debate has been framed so far in the favor of abstinence only propaganda in years past, and we’ve been so accustomed to the teaching of lies and fear about sex being the norm, that we’re supposed to be happy about the “progressive” choices of 1. not teaching sex ed at all (which is a disgrace), or 2. stressing abstinence while also providing “comprehensive” information about prevention (which is a total crock). I don’t think anyone knows what the word COMPREHENSIVE means. 

Comprehensive:

1. Complete; including all or nearly all elements or aspects of something: “a comprehensive list of sources”.
2. Of large content or scope; wide-ranging.

Teaching about condoms and HIV under a context of stressing abstinence from sexual encounters and calling it “comprehensive sex education” is a joke. Preventing pregnancy and infections makes up a sum total of about 2% of what it means to me to be a sexual being. How can a lesson plan on sexuality ignore culture, power, gender, violence, emotions, pleasure, politics, orientation, identity, ability, privacy, function,  relationships, biology, love… and get to be called COMPREHENSIVE? But because this is the *most* progressive approach, sex-positivists are celebrating. But I argue, no. It’s still not good enough.

Sex education in this country is in a sad and sorry state of affairs if the outlawing of sexist and heterosexist propaganda and lies, to be replaced by no education at all, or education that omits 98% of the topic at hand, is celebrated as progress by liberal websites. This is “progress” like Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was progress in 1993. “We used to be able to fire you at will if we suspected you were gay, but now we can’t unless you freely admit it. Progress!”. Um, no. “We used to be able to tell children that condoms usually fail and if girls have sex before marriage no man will ever want to marry her, but now we can’t say that, and the only thing we can say about sex is AIDS will kill you and use a rubber. Progress!” Um, no. We need to be setting the bar a lot higher and not accept this wolf in sheep’s clothing version of “sex ed” as a victory. 

Anal Bleach?

I’ve said repeatedly that one of the better perks of being a sexologist, is that boxes of free sex toys will show up at my door, unsolicited, for me to test and try. This is a box that came earlier this week, and was full of sample crops, floggers, and vibrators. Sometimes they’re sent for me to try and review for the manufacturer. Sometime they’re sent for me to see if I’d be interested in selling them at Feminique. Either way, it’s not a bad gig.

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But then today, I got this:

That is correct, a box of anal bleach arrived at my door unannounced today. This is my life.

The intended use of lightening the skin on “intimate areas where a pink healthy tone is desired”, strikes me a just a little bit… racist. And… painful. And… manufacturing a “problem” for people to hate on themselves about micro-obsess over.

Your anus is beautiful just the way it is. Please don’t put bleach on it. #thingsyouonlysaywhenyoureasexologist

The Prettiest Little Sex Shop Ever

Today, May 3, is Feminique’s 5th birthday. It was 5 years ago today that I opened the doors of what would become a center for political trouble making, social innovation, and sex-positive thought. Scroll down for a pictorial history of the past 1,825 days at 104 N. Church Street, and the evolution of Feminique from the first slap of pink paint to the recent $10,000 renovation. It started out hideously ugly with neon green walls, yellow linoleum tiles, and a gross heavy wooden door, and is now, by far, the prettiest little sex shop ever!

March, 2008. My mom and I priming the ugly walls of the former tavern.

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April, 2008. Feminique used to be electric yellow and Ryan used to have sideburns.

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May, 2008. Feminique’s grand opening! This was the back room. Look how naked it is!

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May, 2008. Grand opening! There is only one little rack of lingerie. So much open space. I didn’t anticipate how big the space was when I was planning the inventory.

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May, 2009. The back room is getting fuller after year one, with a second rack of toys and some more kink items.

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May, 2009. The front room is looking fuller too, with the added table for candles, but I still hadn’t yet painted over the hideous wood paneling.

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May, 2009. The first birthday party! By then I had more than the one little rack of lingerie. Lots of growth happened in year one.

May 2010. Feminique’s 2nd birthday party! I had just started introducing pole dancing classes, hence the cake. And now oodles of lingerie!

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July 2010. I move the couch to the other side of the shop, where it remains, I got Margeaux, started carrying books, and brought Carl to work.

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May, 2011. By year 3, the back room had several additional shelves of merchandise, and the antique vibrator museum.

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May 2012. Feminique’s 4th birthday party.

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July 2012. This photo of me and Feminique taken for an article in the Philadelphia Daily News shows the long bar left over from when the building was a bar, and all the wasted potential retail/museum space behind it.

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September 2012: I designed the floor pans for the renovation project.

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October, 2012. Feminique looks so sad :( Renovation was done by my brother Len McNelly.

.And here she is now, post renovation:

I love, love love it! The new lingerie museum, the free sexuality lending library, the artwork, including the one I made from quotes about orgasm, my sex-positive mission stenciled on the walls, the crisp floors, the new layout, the couch with all of Margeaux’s plush friends… is this not the prettiest little sex shop you’ve ever seen?!

A Productive, Nurturing, Positive Place Actually Exists on the Internet?

I’m kind of obsessed with facebook, and that’s because while for some people facebook exists as a venue for drama and narcissism, I’ve used it to create a space that is productive, nurturing, and affirming. I’ve been working on it for years, and I’m happy to say, I feel successful that I have actually created a positive sanctuary on the internet. It’s small, but it exists.

My goal was to create a movement in which sexuality was discussed openly, regularly, positively, and with a free exchange of ideas, information, and feelings. To demonstrate what that looks like, below is a short sample of a conversation happening on my facebook page currently. It’s been going on for the last 7 hours, has over 60 comments from over 30 people living all over the world. Despite it being about a subject that is wrought with religious, political, cultural, and sexual controversy (male infant circumcision), the exchange has been informative, respectful, and thoughtful. Do you see how someone said, “I hadn’t thought about it that way before”? Do you see how people use “I” statements when sharing their thoughts? Do you see how when someone thought they could be misinterpreted, they said “to be clear…” and then clarified their statement? Do you see how when people disagreed, they made a “compliment sandwich”, pointing out what they thought were valid points, on either side of a dissenting opinion. This is called civility, and until now, I didn’t think it was possible on the internet.

How have I managed to create a civil sanctuary in the cruel, mean, interwebs? Scroll down to learn.

This is not necessarily the only way to achieve a civil space online, but this is the formula has worked for me:

1. Have rules. Mine is the only facebook page I know of that has conduct guidelines, which I post from time to time and enforce.The rules are: “This is a space of feminist and sex-positive thought run by a sexologist. I believe 1. Sex should be fun. 2. Pleasure is good for you 3. Everyone has the right to enjoy their sexuality without fear of violence. You are free to disagree with me, however comments that are sexist, racist, ageist, sizeist, homophobic, transphobic, sex-negative, or that make light of sexual violence are NOT welcome, and offending commenters will be blocked from participating henceforth.”

I do not run the space as a democracy. I do not feel I owe anyone a platform for negativity. For the good of all 3,000+ people who use the page as a safe space and community center, I run it as a benevolent dictatorship, kicking out anyone who contributes negativity without a second thought. Kicking people out over the years has left me with a big group that is full of awesome and amazing people (and free of bad apples.)

2. Lead by example. To promote sex-positivity, I have to always be sex-positive. To create a space that is affirming, I make sure my posts are affirming of others. To illicit kindness, I try to be kind. I put out the tone I wanted for the page, hoping it would come back, and it did. (And when it doesn’t, there’s the weed out the bad apples delete button)

3. Encourage thoughtful participation. This is why facebook is my favorite social media platform. As opposed to tumblr, twitter, youtube, and instagram, which largely function as outputs only, facebook allows for an exchange. I don’t talk *to* the followers on facebook, like I do on other platforms, including my philly.com column, I talk *with* them. Additionally, the way I phrase my posts welcome discussion. I’ll notice I’ll post something on my personal page and it’ll get 3 likes and 1 comment all day, and post it, phrased differently, on my sexology page, and it will have 115 likes and 35 comments in 15 minutes. Phrasing is key to welcoming open dialogue and community, and open dialogue and community are key in creating a civil online space. Although, I don’t know how to demonstrate this. It’s kind of an art I’ve developed over time.

If you’d like to join the fun, you can request to join here. I post sex trivia and facts, links to articles about sex in the news, links to my web show, crazy interactions, travels, and exploits, I have with people as a sexologist, and just random sex posts that spark 7 hour discussions, like the one I posted on male circumcision today. Also, there are regular features, including Sex Meme Monday, Search Term Tuesday, Wednesday Hump Day, Thursday Thought Provocation, Heartfelt Friday, Syndicated Sunday, and Your Daily WTF, which is about a sexuality related story that is so WTF ridiculous it sounds made up, but it’s not. My goal is to have the community have 100,000 participants, and I welcome you, but don’t forget the rules :)

I know… I owe you stories

I know I’m backed up on stories I promised- Feminique renovations, Vagina Monologues, Sex Week with MTV, and my wedding. Working on those ASAP :) Thanks for following along!

May is National Masturbation Month!

Get celebrating! I’m offering $10 off all vibrators. Online only. Enter code MAY at checkout here. 

Domestic Abuse Out Front of My House… AGAIN

My facebook status at 12:55 am:

If there could be one weekend in which I did not have to intervene on and call the police on a domestic dispute outside of my bedroom window, that would be great. I have fucking had it with these men abusing, belittling, screaming at, cursing at, threatening, and physically assaulting their girlfriends out front of my house. This guy was a real sweetheart and started cursing me out, calling me a bitch when I tried to break it up, and then when I threatened to call the police, he said “good, tell them my badge number when you do” and started reciting the number. Get your damn act together West Chester. You are the WORST!

The police came, but some urgent must have come up because all of a sudden they got in the cruiser with the lights and sirens and took off full speed. But I think I’m going to go down to the police station today to find out if this guy really was a cop, and if so, what the rules are for pulling the “I’m a cop” card while engaged in illicit behavior. Doesn’t seem right.

Gender Scripts

It came to my attention that yesterday, my husband attended a baby shower while I worked all day. That’s how we do gender in my house. He was wearing jeans and sneaks. I wore a dress with pink flowers on it. That’s also how we do gender in my house. Kinda awesome to be able to follow the scripts, or not, as it suits us.

Last Day of Sex Week and 75% off Sale!!

Today is the last, but BIGGEST day of SEX WEEK. That’s because it’s Feminique’s 5th birthday party. From 11-7pm we’re celebrating in our usual way, with free food (soft pretzels shaped like genitals!) and register roulette where you’re purchase will be anything from 10-75% off- no exceptions- LELO vibes, our hot new lingerie- EVERYTHING. We practically give our products away all day! And at 7:15, I’ll be presenting a workshop called “Sex, Lies, and Social Media: How Sex Rumors Go Viral”, all about my Yale “sex scandal”. It’s open to the public!

Help me celebrate 5 years of spreading sex-positivity (and ruffling some feathers) in West Chester.

It’s all happening at 104 N. Church St in West Chester PA!

If Katelyn Campbell’s story bothers you, it’s time to start firing back with dollars

Did you hear about Katelyn Campbell, the high school senior who refused to attend the slut-shaming, factually-inaccurate, religiously- based abstinence-only lecture put on by her public school with conservative speaker Pam Stenzel? And did you hear how after she complained, her principal purportedly threatened to call the college where she’d been accepted for the fall and tell them she has “bad character” and is a “backstabber” for speaking out? It’s quite the read. 

My thoughts:

1. This teen has brass ovaries! I wish I had thought to speak out when I was being indoctrinated with religiously based lies at my public high school.

2. The principal’s behavior, if true, is incredibly out of line and I would argue a fire-able offense. 

3. Pam Stenzel charges $5,000 to speak at these schools, and gets outside funding, no problemo. The event at Katelyn’s school was apparently funded by a conservative religious organization called “Believe in West Virginia”. In comparison, I charge $1,000, and often negotiate my fee down, sometimes even speak for free because the schools struggle to find funding for me. They have to find a way to pay me themselves on their already spread thin budget because I don’t have a team of people funding my mission, nor does any sex-positive educator I know of. Because of this phenomenon, I don’t know of any fellow sex educators (real sex educators, not fear mongers) who are paid a fair wage.

Stenzel has a bachelor’s degree from Liberty University, (that’s the the school Jerry Falwell founded… the one with a dinosaur fossil on display labeled as 3,000 years old…) and I have graduate degrees and years of actual formal education, as do many of my colleagues. Folks, I’m super glad this story is going viral, but it’s time to start putting your money where your mouth is. Supporters of fear and lie based sex education reach into their pocket to support their message. It’s time supporters of comprehensive, positive sex education to start reaching into theirs.